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A hearty "Jambo!" to you.

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Six Things I Used To Crank To When I Was A Steely Eyed Youth

Six Things I Used To Crank To When I Was A Steely Eyed Youth

There was a time between the ages of 12 and 14 when I was just beginning to explore my body. It was a wonderful time to be me, and my mind hadn’t been ruined by the Internet as we know it today. It was a simpler time, when broadband internet was as good as it got and streaming any sort of video was unheard of. It was a time when kids my age had to watch scrambled cable to see a boob or steal a Playboy from an older sibling or friend. Here, in order, are the top 6 things I used punish my hog to as a youth.

6. Internet “Pornography”

I put the word pornography in quotes here because this was Internet 1.0. I couldn’t just go to Pornhub or Youjizz and start looking at PAWGS getting DP’d or busty Latinas doing anal. This was also before I was downloading full length pornos on Limewire and Bearshare. I’m talking about the most basic, animalistic search terms in the book here.

Let’s keep in mind that I was like 12 years old, so my knowledge of porn terms was not what it is today. “Boobs” was a favorite search term of mine on Askjeeves, as was “Pam Anderson”, “Carmen Electra”, and “One Night In Paris” (even though I could never find the Paris Hilton sex tape no matter how hard I searched). It was just a different time, and I wasn’t cranking it all that often to stuff I saw on the Internet. I had more creative ways to do it.

5. Town and Country

We had tons of these magazines floating around my house as a youth, and while the pictures were a little more tasteful than a Playboy or a Hustler, it was something, ya know? There was almost always a beach shot inside the magazine for the woman on the cover. At the very least there was some tasteful cleavage and that was more than enough for young JD.

Debra Messing in a dress showing off the goods? Absolutely. Cindy Crawford in literally anything? Yeah, I’m headed to CrankTown full steam ahead with a T&C and if you asked 12 or 13 year old me what he thought about that I think he’d say one word - “Grateful.”

4. Real Sex on HBO

I was lucky enough to have HBO in my house as a child. I was too young to understand or have any interest in watching premium programming like The Wire or The Sopranos, but on Saturday nights, alone in my basement with the rest of the house asleep, I’d get the clicker and switch it over to “Late Night” on HBO.

It usually started at midnight or 1:00 a.m. I think, and it would be an episode of Taxicab Confessions (absolute garbage because there was like no nudity) followed by Real Sex. And if you could get past the fact that this show was usually old people at sex communes, with gross dicks and balls on the screen for a lot of the episode, there was usually five to ten solid minutes of cranking material in there. Now, mind you, these weren’t pornstars or anything, but they were serviceable at the time. Real Sex gets such a high ranking because this was my first foray into porn (or what I considered porn at the time). It’s nostalgia more than anything.

3. The paint scene from Titanic

I can’t say for sure, but that scene with Kate Winslet where she dumps ‘em out to get painted with only the heart of the ocean necklace on was more than likely the first time I ever felt my pants get tight. And from then on, for a solid three months or so whenever I got an urge I’d fast forward on VHS tape number one to that scene and get my jollies off. Titanic was a life changing moment for a lot of us, I think.

2. Music videos

We had a channel on our cable package that played music videos all day everyday. I think it was called MTV Hits or something like that but they literally just played music videos non stop. And during that time period music videos were a huge deal. People weren’t able to watch on Youtube just yet and so there would be high production value and a lot of insanely hot video girls. I remember Petey Pablo’s “Freek-a-leak” was a personal favorite, as was Ciara’s “Goodies.” Unrelated, but in middle school (and I think this happened in every middle school everywhere) there was the rumor that Marilyn Manson removed his ribs so that he could suck his own dick. The other popular rumor was that Ciara had a dick. Middle school was insane in a really, really awful way.

1.Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition

Remember when Beyonce did the SI cover for the swimsuit edition?

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The pages on that issue in my house disintegrated from the wear and tear that it went through. I had that thing strapped to my hip at all times, kept under my bed next to a bootlegged copy of “American Pie” and a laser pointer I got from a gas station but that my parents would no doubt disapprove of. Ranking this as number one on my adolescent crank list was tough, but there were a few years, before I really got into internet porn, that I looked forward to getting the SI swimsuit magazine a lot.

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