The Guy With The Poster Boards In "Love, Actually" Actually Sucks
There are moments in cinema when it is expected that we as audience members suspend disbelief. When you’re watching Star Wars, Guardians of the Galaxy, or Prometheus you know that what you’re watching is not real and therefore your expectations for what can and cannot happen fly out the window. I love a good sci-fi thriller because you’re transported to a place you’ve never been before.
I like movies of all kinds - I can sit down for two and a half hours and watch a drama like Phantom Thread starring Daniel Day-Lewis. You want to put Titanic and watch me get a half chub when Kate Winslet tells Leo to paint her like one his French girls? Be my guest, my apartment is open to anyone that wants to come by.
Now I realize that Love, Actually (one of the most popular Christmas movies ever made with a stunning ensemble cast) is a movie. Movies have to embellish. They have to entertain. Movies are not real life and sometimes you have to roll the dice with your storyline. I get that.
But it seems as though we’ve glossed over a glaring fact that I noticed last night when I sat down to watch Love, Actually for the first time in a long time. The fact of the matter is, we’ve turned Mark, the character who is in love with his best friends wife, into some sort of movie folk hero for being a truly terrible human being. I can get down with movies taking certain liberties, but there is just no way in hell this situation could ever happen in real life.
I’m of course talking about the scene when Scumbag Mark shows up at Keira Knightley’s door while she’s watching a movie with her husband (played by the incredible Chiwetel Ejiofor) and scams his way into an unauthorized kiss and perhaps more. This is how he starts the whole thing -
Now there is no denying that this is an iconic moment in movie history. This guy gets his picture posted on blogs all over the internet to this day when people are writing about a romance that started during Christmas or when a writer just needs a picture that will generate clicks. This is one of those pictures. People love this scene but last night I threw my hands up in the air on the couch while I watched. I yelled. I laughed out of pure confusion.
I had a friend in high school ask a girl to prom doing this little sign routine. I didn’t think anything of it at the time because we’ve been conditioned for years to not really pay too much attention this plotline. Most people conveniently forget about the first scene in this movie - you know the one where a band busts out at Keira Knightley’s wedding to play “All You Need Is Love”? You know what my friend in high school who needed a prom date didn’t do? He didn’t go behind his best friends back to try and take his wife away from him through some gimmick.
I mean think about this for moment. This guy brought a portable CD player (LOL, get an OG iPod - it’s 2003 buddy please join us in the new millennium) to make it seem like there were carolers outside his BEST FRIEND’S apartment.
And then he tells her that he loves her under the guise that it’s Christmas and you tell you truth on Christmas. What a crock of bullshit this is. I mean can you believe the balls on this guy? To do this to the guy that made you his best man? What the fuck are you doing, dude? You lost out on this one, find another girl in the sea of humanity that is LONDON, ENGLAND. Not like you’re living in Lavenham or Hawkshead here. Only true Englishman will understand those references but their small towns in England, okay?
And if that wasn’t enough, Keira Knightly ends up giving him a kiss, leading me to believe that this little forbidden romance isn’t ending at her doorstep. A couple of scumbags, the both of em.