The Number Of Christmas Cards On Your Refrigerator Door Is Really Just A Way To Measure Your Popularity
I’ve always enjoyed visiting other people’s homes during the holiday season. I like judging their front lawn display and house lighting skills. I take pleasure in seeing how others have chosen to decorate the interior of their homes. Real or fake Christmas tree? Hand knit stockings or something bought off of the rack from Michaels? Garland? Holly? Any seasonal beverages to offer?
All of this stuff goes into an elaborate system that eventually gets you one of two grades - Fire or Trash. You can say that you don’t walk into people’s homes and do this yourself but you’d be a liar. Life is a “keeping up with Joneses” rat race whether you want to admit it or not, and we don’t stop comparing our homes to other people’s until we die.
We judge ourselves by looking at how others live their lives. It’s sad and sort of repulsive but that’s capitalism, baby. Now one of the underrated factors of my rankings system is the refrigerator.
Often overlooked, I’ve always maintained that the refrigerator around the holiday season is the true measuring stick of your social standing in the world. How many Christmas cards from people are you receiving during the months of November and December? Any holiday parties to attend? The refrigerator is the most humble brag in the entire house. It’s a way of saying “I have more friends that care about me than you do” without expliciting saying it.
Now in the past I haven’t had to worry much about Christmas cards because I’ve had roommates. I can’t be putting stuff up on a refrigerator that I share with three other dudes. That’s a weird move. I’ve lived in squalor for the entirety of my twenties and I’d get the occasional Christmas card from cousins who I’m semi-close to, but now that I have my own place I’ve experienced what I can only describe as a Christmas card bukkake, and those cards are getting sprayed all over my refrigerator.
It all happened so quickly. Two months ago the space on my “top freezer” style refrigerator was as barren as your grandmother. Sure, I had a postcard being held up by a magnet/bottle opener that I had picked up from Montepulciano in the upper right hand corner of the freezer door, but that was for aesthetic purposes more than anything.
This was a slow, cascading wave - one that still hasn’t reached shore and shows no signs of stopping in the coming weeks. In the past month, the real estate value on my freezer door has gone from Mediterranean Ave. to Park Place. I’ve got Christmas greetings and postcards from relatives and friends alike, being held up by cheap magnets that get knocked to the floor with the slightest breeze from a door handle or open window. It’s gotten so bad that I’ve thought about buying a cork board just for the Christmas cards and ugly sweater invites that I’ve gotten via snail mail.
I’m not saying I’ve “made it” or anything. I’m not living a lavish lifestyle, but I can’t lie - it feels good to have half of my refrigerator clogged with Christmas cards for once in my life because I know whenever someone comes over that’s what they’re looking at.