People Aren't Actually Eating Ass, Right? Right?
[Scene 1 begins in Anytown, USA]
Lying in bed with your latest fling, you decide to make a move. The Netflix comedy special you’ve been watching on your laptop has become stale and both of you know why you really came to your bedroom to watch this thing rather than do it in the living room. The laptop gets set on the bedside table and that’s that.
Some light kissing, maybe a move down to her neckline, and then clothes start to get taken off. The anticipation mounts with every breath and hand movement.
Five, ten, fifteen minutes of foreplay goes by and now it’s looking like it’s about go time. Your head moves slowly from her neck down to her navel, and then you flip her over and dive in. It’s time, as the kids would say, to eat some ass.
Wait….what? Eating ass? Really? Where poop comes out of?
When did this take off in the streets? I see awful memes every day on Instagram about eating ass. I read interviews from Gabrielle Union and Dwyane Wade about how they keep the spark alive in their relationship by eating each others assholes out and I honestly can’t believe it.
It’s come to a point on the internet where I don’t know what is being said in earnest and what is supposed to be a complete joke. At 26, I’m finally ready to confess that there are fads on the internet now that are going completely over my head. It’s disappointing to say the least.
My sense of irony has been destroyed by Twitter and popular culture. Post-ironic memes are now en vogue and I don’t know which way is up. And I’m pretty sure my downfall as a guy who at one point claimed to “get” the internet sprung from this idea that people are eating ass.
It’s as if the entire world is in on some big joke that I didn’t get the memo for because there is just no way that there are this many people eating ass. You know when you’re out to dinner or sitting in the living room with some friends and two of them are looking at something on their phone but they just forget that you’re there and don’t show you whatever it is that they’re looking at? I feel like the world wide web knows definitively whether or not people are eating ass and they just won’t tell me.
This isn’t a call to arms to go after ass eaters with pitchforks. I’m not advocating for any recourse against people who want to eat out another person’s butthole. But is it really happening or is this a joke on Twitter that has flown thirty thousand feet over my head? I guess I’ve seen the act done in porn before but I learned a very long time ago that there is a difference between sex in a porno and sex in real life.
I have no intention of trying this out, I just need some answers. I’m a confused old man who no longer understands what is happening around him. Eating ass? Crude internet hoax or real thing? I need answers.