Four Common Sleeping Habits That I Will Never Understand
I value sleep above almost everything in my life. I love it, and I don’t jeopardize it very often for a cheap thrill like one more beer at the bar or the promise of free food at an after-hours apartment party. I need my eight hours, and anyone who messes with that will feel my wrath.
Every person on planet Earth sleeps differently, though, and just like everything else in life, people have preferences when they sleep. I understand that to an extent, and maybe it’s because I’ve been playing house with a lady friend of mine for a few months now that sleeping preferences are on my mind, but some of them I just can’t wrap my head around.
A/C off, windows open
I understand the appeal of hearing crickets chirp outside of your window, but when you’re living in an urban environment that just doesn’t exist. The windows open and the A/C off approach works if you’re living out in the sticks, but where I’m at the only thing you’re going to hear outside your window while you’re trying to sleep is a homeless guy rummaging through the dumpsters 100 feet from your place and the occasional police siren.
And even if you are a person who lives in a rural area with no noise other than insects, are you really telling me that a cool breeze (which, by the way, isn’t even guaranteed to last through the night) is better than artificial, centralized cold air that is going to keep your body at a comfortable temperature throughout the night? As Biz Markie once said, stop lyin’. Air conditioning is king, open windows are for during the day when you’re trying to get some fresh air into the house.
Anyone who says that they don’t love spooning is a heartless monster. I’m not breaking any news here when I say that everyone prefers to be the little spoon. Being the little spoon makes you feel safe - almost like you’re back in the womb. But even being the big spoon feels nice. Spooning, or any other kind of cuddling for that matter, just makes your heart flutter and your emotions run wild, but when it comes time for bed I want absolutely no part of any of that.
As a matter of fact, I think that most couples would prefer if there was no touching at all once both parties elect to shut their eyes for the night. Cuddling has a time and a place, but when I’m trying to fall asleep I want to be on one side of the bed with complete freedom of motion. I have my eye on a California King that will make it feel like anyone else who sleeps in my bed with me isn’t even in the room. Here is Martin Tyler expressing perfectly how I feel about the prospect of owning a California King bed.
Running a box fan whilst sleeping
Unless you’re a college student who can’t afford to be running the air conditioning, why on earth do people do this? Whenever I sleep in a room where a person insists on having a box fan running to create white noise, I wake up the next morning with an ache in my throat and a headache, almost as if I’ve caught a cold overnight. If you want white or static noise, why use a box fan when technology has gone so much further? You can listen to a recording of fucking Niagara Falls or an artificial recreation of one of those electric mosquito catchers. Hell, you could even get a recording of a box fan making that noise that you like. But actually running a physical box fan just for the noise? Come on.
This is by far my biggest pet peeve when it comes to sleeping habits that I can’t understand. I need pitch black when I’m sleeping. I want bomb shelter type shutters on my windows and dead silence. A nightlight keeps me up like nothing else, and the further along in the night I stare at a nightlight the more difficult it becomes for me to fall asleep. You’re not a six year old - there is no need to have night lights anywhere, and for all of you coming at me with the “What about if I have to pee during the middle of the night?” excuse I have two words for you - toilet light.