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A hearty "Jambo!" to you.

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The Best Ways To Smugly Let Everyone Know That You Didn't Go Out On Friday Night

The Best Ways To Smugly Let Everyone Know That You Didn't Go Out On Friday Night

There’s an attitude that one has when they elect to stay in on a Friday night. The week prior was a challenge for whatever reason, and the energy just wasn’t there after work on Friday to warrant going to a bar and closing the place down.

You ordered food in for the evening, threw a two and half hour movie on, and bingo bango you were asleep by midnight. But what the hell is the point of staying in if you can’t let all of your friends know the next day that you’re feeling like a million bucks? Half of the reason you want to stay in is so that on Saturday you can wake up and rub it in everyone else’s face that you’re really into health and wellness.

It’s really fun to troll your friends, and I can’t think of anything more annoying than lying in bed hungover on Saturday morning and seeing one of my buddies doing some productive shit while I sweat out last night’s five vodka sodas in bed.

Here are the best ways to really drive the point home to friends and family alike that you’re a healthy person who did not in fact go out on Friday night. Disclaimer: if you’re under a certain age (say, < 25) you could theoretically do all of these activities hungover but it’d be tough. I’m at an age now where the only way I’m doing any of this stuff is if I stayed in the night prior. Please clap. 

Hop in the group chat and tell them you’ve got a brunch reservation

After repeatedly telling this same group chat just a nine or ten hours ago that you would be staying in, you hit them with a message around 9:30 a.m. on Saturday morning.

Wake up. Got us all a res at [insert overpriced, popular brunch destination here] at 11:00 a.m. Looking forward to seeing everyone there!

Now there’s a chance that not everyone is going to show up, but there’s always someone down in the group chat to begin day drinking after a night out. The enthusiasm will shine through in your correctly punctuated text message and let everyone know that you’re not hungover in the slightest. Lord over everyone else at the brunch table by ordering a drink with alcohol in it and being the only one in the group who doesn’t wince while you sip.

Book an early tee time for one

Getting out on the course super early on a Saturday morning is a personal pleasure of mine. It’s not only an opportunity to calibrate your game, it’s also just peaceful as hell to get out on the links alone every once in a while.

Get a tee time for nine holes at 7:00 a.m. when the only people out on the course are going to be a couple of elderly dudes and one ranger. Walk the course with a bag on your back and enjoy the fresh dew on the grass. Bring a 32 oz. lemon lime Gatorade (or whatever your favorite flavor is) and start sending picturesque Snapchats to all of your degenerate friends who are still laying in bed. Documenting this on social media is key. No one is going to know you’re an early tee time guy who doesn’t drink on Fridays unless you start #posting.

You’ll be finished with 9 holes by 9:00 a.m.-ish and the world is still very much your oyster, my friend. You’ve got the rest of the day ahead of you to do whatever the hell you want because guess what? You’re not hungover. Congrats, champ.

Farmers market with your S.O. or F.W.B.

The good news with this one is it requires no social media posting from you. Your girlfriend or whoever you’re currently bumping uglies with will be so thrilled to hear that you want to go to a farmers market on a Saturday morning that they’ll post all necessary photos for you.

After all, you’re not really dating someone until you go to a farmers market over the weekend and get cutesy pictures together holding iced coffees and looking at fresh strawberries. Your friends will eventually see these pics and be equal parts jealous, happy, and annoyed that you finally found someone to do this stupid shit with.

Grab a coffee at your favorite locally owned shop and take a stroll

The last thing I want to do on a hungover Saturday morning is take a fucking walk about town. Get the hell out of here with your “activities.” This is another one that requires social media posting, but just put it on your IG story (after giving it a touch up on VSCO, of course) in the same vein as your favorite account on the internet and rub it in further with a caption that says something like “Nothing like a post-workout cappuccino!”

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