Newsflash Dipshit: The Butts On Loaves Of Bread Are Good And You Should Eat Them
It’s a weekday and I’m running a smidge late for work. With no time for a normal two egg over-easy breakfast, I opt for peanut butter on toasted white bread, a classic snack at any hour of the day, but especially tasty in the morning with a hot cup of coffee or a glass of milk.
I reach for my loaf in the pantry and bypass the ass-end of the loaf as well as the piece of bread after that one that is touching it. I grab two slices and give the end of the bag two spins before putting the bread clip back on.
I’m not innocent here, okay? I just want to get that out of the way right now. But I’m different now, I swear it. As Heath Ledger once said, a man can change his stars.
I don’t even know where I first got the idea in my head - it’s just been ingrained in me for as long as I can remember. I have always ignored the butts of my loaves of bread and I’m confident saying here in the now that this is common practice everywhere.
Whether it was when I was living with my parents, out of a house that destitute addicts wouldn’t live in during college, or somewhere in D.C., Austin, or Chicago, I have for years sent the ends of bread loaves straight into the trash because I used to be an awful person who did not care about complex flavors in the ends of bread or (more importantly) food waste.
The butt end of a loaf has long been demonized. The two pieces at either end almost always get thrown away when a loaf has been finished because somewhere along the way we got this idea in our heads that the butts just don’t taste good. I’m here to tell you right now that this is just patently false.
I’m of the belief that everyone should be able to eat whatever they want however they want to eat it. You want to put ketchup on your mac and cheese I say go for it, just stay at least 50 yards away from me while you’re doing it because the visual of ketchup on mac and cheese doesn’t sit right with my stomach or my mind. The same thought goes for bread - eat it however you damn well please.
We’ve all got food quirks - the point I’m trying to get across here is that the butt end of the loaf is no different than a piece of bread in the middle. We’re unfairly discriminating against it because it got the unfortunate position of being the piece that keeps all of the other pieces fresh.
And while it may be true that the butts are a bit of safeguard to making a loaf of bread last longer, that doesn’t mean they’re not okay to eat after the rest of the loaf has been eaten. Consider it a special, slightly different treat. A reward so to speak, for finishing the entire loaf. If you’re single or you’re dating someone who doesn’t eat bread because their on some hoighty toity diet that disallows it, you know the struggle of trying to finish a loaf of bread before it goes bad.
Skip over the butt when you’ve got normal slices left in the bag, but don’t just haphazardly toss the butts into the trash because they look a little bit different. They’re the runts of the bread litter- ugly on the outside, but I would argue on the inside they are even more delicious than your normal looking slice.