I Can't Change My Own Oil And According To Twitter This Makes Me A Beta Male With A Weak Handshake
Toxic masculinity is alive and well in 2019, and I can prove it by simply looking at replies to a tweet of mine that went semi-viral over the weekend. I don’t know how to change my own oil. I’m not ashamed to admit that.
It is for this reason that last Saturday I took my 2008 Chevy Impala into a body shop to get this routine maintenance done on my vehicle. I was nervous about the whole ordeal, because as we all know sometimes body shops can charge you for additional shit that you don’t really need if you look like a person who doesn’t know what they are talking about.
I am one of those people. I have blond hair, blue eyes, and most definitely look like a little bit of bitch boy. I’ve got a face that people want to punch, and a wardrobe that isn’t helping me out in that department. I know all of this. At least I’m self aware enough to do something about. I wore to the body shop what can most accurately be described as mid-Michigan chic. A knockoff Carhartt jacket I bought from Costco with a hunter orange Carhartt beanie, Levi’s, and Merrell boots. I looked like a guy who COULD change his own oil -
I got out of the body shop about an hour and a half later relatively unscathed. 30 bucks for the oil change and a free brake inspection. Huh. Maybe the outfit did work., but none of that mattered to the people who saw my tweet and thought they could insult me with insinuations. To the people in my mentions, I was giant pussy. A beta male. And on top of that I had appropriated truck culture. They assumed a lot about me off of one picture so I wanted to do the same.
I went to cotillion for four years, Remy. For the uncultured, cotillion is manners school. There I learned how to conduct myself at a ball and open doors for women. I was taught table manners and the foxtrot and, among other things, how to shake another person’s hand.
Firm, with eye contact is the only way I know how to shake someone’s hand and since learning that in fourth grade my handshake has never wavered. For you to insinuate that I have a weak handshake because I know next to nothing about cars is insulting. But your name is Remy, and it looks like you’re married before 30 and have never left your hometown so I don’t know what I was expecting.
Calling these people poor or white trash would be too easy. That’s low hanging fruit. So I did a deep dive on a few people who responded to my tweet to see how they were living, and you probably won’t be surprised to learn that most of them look and tweet like people who own MAGA hats and think that putting on airs is bringing Bud Light to a party. Let’s get started with Katie here, who no doubt has a back roads drivin’, freedom lovin’ boyfriend that takes her to the Golden Corral for a nice evening out in Lousiana or wherever the hell they live -
Katie thinks that because I can’t do a tune up on my car that I literally only use to get me to and from work every day that I am lesser than her boyfriend that bought her this ring -
Katie what the fuck is going on with your middle finger? Did you break that as a child and then never get it reset by a licensed physician? I want to puke looking at thing. No worries, though - I think in a few years time you’re going to have to amputate both your ring and middle fingers for gangrene from that incredibly cheap jewelry you’re wearing. Getting married at 23 is all fun and games until you realize that you should have waited until your spouse could afford a ring from somewhere other than Claires.
Am I being mean? Presumptuous? Absolutely. But I’m doing the same thing that these people did to me. Let’s keep going.
You just know Clay thinks that sitting in his truck and driving down a dirt road with an open Busch Light in the cup holder is “living it up.” And would you believe me if I told you that Clay here is a lacrosse player for Robert Morris?
It’s like they make Twitter reply guys in a lab somewhere. First of all Robert Morris is technically D1 so congratulations to Clay on that. But they’re Division 1 the same way that Louisiana Tech or Ohio University is Division 1. If I have to google Robert Morris University to see if it’s division 1 then it isn’t.
Not sure what looking “like a lick” means, but I have to assume it isn’t good. Sick mirror selfie, by the way. I bet the ladies love you OG Suit and Tie.
This is almost too easy. Let’s start out with the first picture. Another mirror selfie. I cannot believe people do this still but I digress. That suit looks like it was bought straight off the rack from JC Penny. The black silk tie is an absolute disgrace and that tie knot? Did you have to learn how to tie that on Youtube? I think it’s so adorable when people like this try and wear a suit. Which is why I can’t say I’m surprised that he also bought one of those corny ass Christmas themed suits that is matching all the way through. For just a hundred dollars you too can wear the same polyester suit that OG Suit and Tie owns!
I could go on all day with some of these replies. I just don’t feel like embedding any more pictures into this blog at the moment, but rest assured you can visit my Twitter @dudaronomy to look at the rest of them. Just from looking at the avatars in the replies, you can tell that calling these people redneck Trump supporters is not a stretch of the imagination.
It’s just insane to me that there’s a whole subset of people who don’t live in a major US city and think that they are somehow better than me because they know how to hunt, support Donald Trump, drink shitty light beer, and most importantly change their own oil. Congratulations to all my truck driving, beer drankin’, oil changin’, MAGA lovin’ Twitter followers. You guys are really something else.