An Open Letter To Weed Dispensaries: What's With The Douchey Names You Give Your Strains?
There is a certain type of individual that will always feel the need to tell you how high they are at any given moment. This is the kind of person who enjoys informing people of their weed consumption more than they enjoy the actual high. They revel in telling people all of the things that they can accomplish while stoned.
“Have you ever seen The Matrix….on weed?”
“Ever gone to the grocery store….while high?”
“Dude having sex stoned is so much better than it is... not stoned.”
You get the idea. I can remember a time when weed did not have a name attached to it because there was only one strain - mids (also commonly referred to as reggie, mid, and schwag). Once in a while someone would come around with a nug of OG Kush but those moments were few and far between. And that was really the only name I had heard back in the day - kush. But in recent years weed has become destigmatized. It’s gotten stronger and the quality is unparalleled.
The only problem is the naming system. I understand that for growers and distributors you need to be able to differentiate between strains so as not to get confused while telling customers about what kind of high a certain bud will give you.
But why do all of the names have to be so douchey? Thundercrotch, Starship Enterprise, Green Cum - these are all real strains of weed that I’ve heard people talk about before and I’m always taken aback. Can’t we just refer to them as indicas and sativas and be done with it? Ever since Pineapple Express came out in theaters I feel like people growing and selling bud have felt the need to create what they think are clever, hip names for their precious strains.
Can you just call the highly potent strain in your plastic baggie something normal so I don’t feel like Optimus Tool everytime I pull it out in front of people? Crouching Tiger, Hidden Alien? That’s another name that I’ve seen printed on a bag of weed from a dispensary! I swear to God. Like, really? Who was the douchebag that thought that would be a “cool” name for a weed strain? It’s like we’ve given naming rights solely to teenagers who have only just discovered pot.
The only reasoning for this awful naming system that I can think of is that pot dispensaries are catering to that certain kind of guy that I mentioned at the beginning of this blog. The guy who LOVES telling people about how much weed he smokes. You know a guy like that is walking into a pot store, seeing a strain called “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Alien” and absolutely losing his shit over how fuckin’ sick that name is.
Just give me a indica blend for my anxiety that I can smoke when I get home from work and let’s be done with it. I can do without the over-the-top names that come along with it.