Hell On Earth Is When The Forecast Calls For A "Wintry Mix"
It’s overcast, and hard rain pelts your face as you scrape semi-melted ice from your windshield. Your dress pants, which five minutes ago were freshly pressed and ready for the office, now have salt stains on the heel from trudging through nearly ankle deep puddles on the sidewalk and in the street. If you’re not careful, you’ll step into a pothole a foot deep and dip your entire boot into brown, disgustin sludge.
A combination of rain and snow, eloquently referred to by meteorologists as “wintry mix” means one thing - it’s going to be fucking gross outside. I don’t mind the snow. I really don’t. I grew up with it, and sometimes I even enjoy it. But when snow is in the process of melting I loathe it with the fire of a thousand suns.
Melting snow leaves curbs with swimming pools full of brown, filthy water that can splash you whenever a car or bus feels like being a complete dickhead. Walking anywhere in this trash should be considered performance art on par with a ballerina in NYC directed by Andrew Litton.
You find yourself constantly hopping over puddles, choosing where to step ever so carefully and if you’re smart you’re wearing shoes that you do not give one single fuck about. They say that January is the longest month of the year, but the middle of February makes a very strong case for most dreadful. These are the dog days of winter, where the days just sort of blend together into one sludgy nightmare.
Most people are still in hibernation mode, unwilling to leave their apartments on the weekend which leaves many of us to our own devices. There are only so many puzzles one can complete with a bottle of a wine in hand before things become distorted. The nature of your reality in the month of February is confined to your one bedroom apartment. If your pudgy weatherman is talking on the early morning broadcast about how today is going to consist of a wintry mix, e-mail your boss and work from home for the day.