You're An Elitist Asshole If You Call The Device That Changes Your Channels Anything Other Than "Clicker"
You sit there with an infomercial playing about some megachurch in the area that would just love for you to join them this coming Sunday. It’s late, and your eyes are glossing over which is why you haven’t thought about changing the channel yet.
A show you like on TV (perhaps it’s NCIS: Los Angeles or a new episode of The Good Place) has just wrapped up and in that haze you’re sort of zoned out, staring off into space while a guy with a southern drawl tells you about the benefits of following Christ.
Have you ever been driving in your car a relatively long distance and accidentally listened to an entire four minutes of Christian Rock just because you didn’t notice that it was on? This same situation can be applied to television.
As soon as you realize what it is you’re watching your brain panics. You want to change the channel as quickly as possible. There’s only one problem - you can’t find the clicker. *extremely Barack Obama voice* Now let me be clear - there is only one name that you can call the device that changes the channels on your television. It’s called a clicker and everything else is wrong.
Channel changer, the changer, remote, remote control - all of these terms for the clicker are stupid. And dumb. When you’re balls deep in an infomercial about a church you have no interest in joining and you’re tossing pillows off of the couch and digging into the cushions the word that most easily rolls off of the tongue is “clicker.”
Channel changer or remote control? Yuck. Those terms are too long! And let’s say you shorten either of them to simply changer or remote - who are you trying to impress using the word remote? Is the Queen of England chilling with you on the couch watching reruns of Storage Wars? Are you an east coast elite that votes straight ticket Dem because that’s what your mother nicknamed Muffy and your father Trip taught you? Fuck out of here with “remote.”
The problem with changer is simple. It’s not specific enough. And what kind of simpleton calls it a changer anyways? The only reason I mention this one is because someone on Twitter claimed that this was their preferred term. I’ve never in my life heard someone call a clicker a changer. If someone referred to the clicker as a changer I’d look at them with a look of confusion on my face. I have no idea what that means and I could easily mistake it for someone saying the word “changing”.
Clicker is unique unto itself. It can mean nothing other than a term used to describe the device that changes the channels on your television. I grew up calling it a clicker and my children and their children after me will do the same. I’m a humble Midwesterner who wears Carhartt and watches NASCAR on occasion. People walk past me and assume I know how to change my own oil, and when I’m sitting at a restaurant and someone sees my neon orange Carhartt beanie paired with some Merrell boots and Levi’s, they say one thing - “That’s a guy who calls the device that changes the channels on his TV a clicker. I like him. He looks like a nice fellow.”