I'm Endorsing The New Balance 990v4 For Mayor Of Chicago
It’s 9 fucking degrees outside today but Mayoral and Aldermanic elections in the City of Chicago are heating up. We’re less than three weeks out from Election Day, and people all over have been begging and pleading on wounded, sore knees asking me who I’ll be endorsing for mayor of Chicago this cycle.
Listen, I’m a big fan of Rahm Emmanuel, okay? The man has an immaculate pedigree, and he got dealt a rough hand when he took office after a great run as Barry O’s chief of staff. But facts are facts - the state of Illinois is a complete shitshow right now and Chicago is the golden turd.
The state is in debt up to their eyeballs and just elected a billionaire named J.B. Pritzker to the Governorship who is the definition of a fat cat. And while I’d love to sit here and tell you that I’m hopeful for the future of the city of Chicago, I’m not entirely sure there is. Chicago is 48 billion dollars in debt. Yes, you read that correctly. 48 BILLION DOLLARS. There’s no human alive that could get elected to the Mayor’s office and right that ship, which is why I’m endorsing the New Balance 990v4 for Mayor of Chicago this February. Take a look at this shoe -
It’s not too loud but it’s fashionable nonetheless. It’s become a staple in anyone’s closet who considers themselves “in the know” and for good reason - it looks good with everything. Imagine if you will that it’s St. Patrick’s Day. You’re stumbling around with ten other people in the loop after successfully getting an Instagram off in front of the Chicago River. The temperature is somehow in the mid 50’s and with the alcohol starting to make you sweat, you zip off the bottom half of your Patagonia Stonycroft Convertible pants to turn them into shorts.
There’s only one shoe that can handle this amount of stress - the NB 990v4. Normcore has never been hotter, and this is peak 90’s vulture culture in every sense. Yes, you’re appropriating middle school social science teachers everywhere, but who gives a shit? You can wear them with literally everything, which is why I’m positive a pair of shoes can do the job of Chicago Mayor just as well as any of these dirtbags who are currently vying for the throne. If you’re a Chicago resident, you know what to do - use your voice and write-in the New Balance 990v4 for Mayor of Chicago on February 26th.