I Have Deepseeded Jealousy Towards Anyone Who Can Drink A Marg Without Getting Heartburn
I’m about three months out until my next birthday, a painful reminder not only that I’m getting closer to 30 but also that life as a whole is just a slow, unwavering march towards sickness, delusion, and death.
I’m perfectly happy by the way - but at the time of writing this it’s Tuesday morning and it’s overcast so forgive me for being so glib. I fucking hate Tuesdays. It’s also cold as shit here in The Windy City and I don’t have the slightest clue when it’s going to warm up again. I’m just feeling particularly morose as I sit here with my second cup of coffee staring blankly at my keyboard.
One thing that helps me cope with all of this anxiety and existential dread is alcohol. I drink it from time to time, mostly on Friday and Saturday evenings but sometimes after a long day at work on a Wednesday as well.
In the years since turning that magical legal drinking age my tastes have obviously evolved. All of us go through phases as drinkers of beer, wine, and liquor. Preferences are ever-changing, most oftentimes with the seasons. I’ve been on a huge red wine kick for the past few months, and I expect that if it ever thaws out in Chicago I’ll begin to transition to white wine on ice.
But I love cocktails, too and at my age you sort of know what you like and what you don’t like. You stay away from stuff that gives you bad headaches and anything that has made you vomit - in my case that’s IPA’s and any cocktail with the word “rum” in it.
I enjoy a vodka soda (my go-to at the bar), scotch and bourbon on the rocks, and martinis. I love a good Tom Collins and I’ll do sake bombs with you until the cows come home. Most of the other cocktails out there in the world I can do without. I’ll sit there and drink a domestic light beer with you while you slug down some craft brew I’ve never heard of and I’ll happily order a vodka soda while you wait for ten minutes for a carefully made old fashioned (too sweet for my palette).
But oftentimes you’ll find me at a Mexican restaurant with friends looking like a child who has just been told by the bigger, older kids that no, he’s too little to play basketball with them this afternoon. You see I have heartburn. It got really bad last year and I started eating Prilosec OTC to counteract the pain. It works to an extent, but even Prilosec cannot battle with tequila, cointreau, lime juice, and salt. The margarita is sweet and sugary. Margs are fucking delicious. But I can’t drink even one without keeling over in my chair with a violent outbreak of heartburn. And the sick part of all of this is I really don’t want to be a guy who drinks margs all night. I’m not looking to become the guy in my group who always orders them. That’s a hangover I want no part of. I just want to be able to enjoy one. Maybe two.