Vernors Has Magical Healing Powers Which Will Get You Over Any Illness With The Quickness
It starts as a tingle in the back of your throat. That’s where most illnesses can be traced to. A slight feeling that something is off. But you ignore it, as most anyone is want to do because you don’t want to seem like a hypochondriac.
Societal norms have groomed us to believe that most sicknesses - the common cold, a flu bug, or a sore throat - are things that we can push through. And we do. We go to work with nagging coughs, high fevers, and contagious germs because we feel like we have to.
But often that tingle becomes an ache. And then that ache becomes something all-consuming and before you know it, you’re laid up in bed moaning and groaning and wishing you were back in your childhood bedroom with your mother by your side. She’s got a soothing cold compress on your forehead, a tablespoon of syrup-y liquid that smelled and tasted revolting and of course something fizzy to wash it down with.
But it’s not just any fizzy drink that is being brought to you. It’s Vernors, the elixir of the gods. When I was little, the only thing that ever made me feel better when I was really, truly, under the weather was a glass of Vernors on ice accompanied by a twisty straw.
I’d watch The Price Is Right or pop in a VHS tape of whatever it was I was obsessed with during the time period and I’d drink Vernors and feel slightly better about my ailment. It’s barrel aged for four years before getting bottled and sold to the general public, and while I can admit to being a bit biased because Vernors was invented in the great state of Michigan, even my friends outside of the state who try it can attest to it being far better than any other ginger ale out there. It’s more carbonated. It’s golden brown. And it’s simply the best.
Vernors isn’t just a ginger ale. It’s an antibiotic. It’s a beverage unlike anything else out there, and giving it the designation of ginger ale seems disrespectful. Vernors is it’s own kind of beverage. It should be placed under its own category and given its own aisle at the grocery store, in front of the sodas, sparkling waters, and health drinks that are all crammed together like sardines in one long corridor. That is how good it is. When you’re drinking a Canada Dry, Schweppes, or Seagrams and then compare it to that of a Vernors brand ginger ale you’ll see what I mean. These brands can’t hold Vernors jockstrap.
I’m currently battling a sinus infection that I need to be out of my system by Saturday, and on top of several medicines and several cups of tea throughout the day, the only thing making me feel close to whole again is the sweet embrace of Vernors. God broke the mold when he thought of this drink. And it ain’t bad when you’re not sick either. A glass of Vernors with a coney dog will hit the spot. Give it a try, motherfuckers.