I’m All In On Kombucha And You Should Be, Too
There is a very real, very obnoxious health kick going around in these United States today. Seemingly out of nowhere, Americans decided that they should start exercising, eating right, and finally kicking that nasty cigarette habit that has held them hostage for years. As American’s we are just now (or I guess in the past few years if you really want to get technical) deciding that this is the perfect time to become fit and active despite the fact that we are once again on the brink of nuclear war.
I’ve got some horrible news for you; those trendy pilates classes you’ve been paying forty bucks a pop for can’t save you from radiation poisoning or a nuclear blast courtesy of North Korea. Just let yourself go if that’s what you want to do. That’s the real American way.
The point I’m trying to make with this is that this health food, “let’s go do some obscure workout and then post it about on Instagram” lifestyle was something I never shied away from making fun of.
It is certainly noble to want to make yourself a healthier person. But look at who you’re reading right now. It’s me. I don’t heap praise on things very often because most things and people for that matter fucking suck.
I’m not some lemming that follows the crowd and I won’t be bullied into writing happy go lucky “look how wonderful everything in this beautiful world is” articles.
So I guess it was only natural that I would scoff, chortle, and roll my eyes the first time someone introduced me to Kombucha. It was a hungover Sunday morning, and I was drinking ice water on my couch while a friend slowly sipped an ice cold Gingerade Kombucha from a glass bottle. “Try this. It’s the best,” she said in an excited voice.
At first sip, I was disgusted. At second sip I was starting to come around. By my third sip my taste buds were screaming with delight and I was all in on the magic that was Kombucha. Flavors for days (although Gingerade is the best and you won’t find a Kombucha fan who disagrees).
It’s fermented tea with sugar which, when mixed together are a vinegar-y, probiotic delight. I’m not even really sure what the hell probiotics do for the human body but I know they’re good for you and I know that a glass of Kombucha has more health benefits than a simple glass of ice water.
Vinegar-y is unfortunately the best way to describe what Kombucha tastes like, and I realize it sounds daunting but once you try it you’ll more than likely be in love.
Look, I know there are a lot of people scoffing at this right now. It’s a trend and I understand that. It’s very against my brand to start running with the crowd on Kombucha. And worst of all? It’s a beverage that falls under that health food active lifestyle umbrella. These trends are, for the most part, unsavory. It’s on par with eating raw kale as a snack or putting your smoothie in a bowl. But I promise that once you start drinking Kombucha on the regular you won’t reach for another beverage when you’re looking to quench your thirst.
It’s a drink that haters will see in your palm and think “Oh, this fucking guy.” It’s also a drink that non-haters will look at and say “Oh, this fucking guy. My man. Drinking Gingerade like a true champion.”
I’m Koming everyday and it feels fucking fantastic. Now maybe if I push this shit like I did [name redacted] beer, GTS (my favorite brand of Kombucha) will give me a motherfucking sponsorship.