Sorry Ladies, But Chobani Flips Are Bae
I wake up every weekday morning with existential dread that would make Sartre or Nietzsche audibly gasp. This will sound crazy, but I don’t have a whole lot of fire in my belly to get up and go to work five days a week. The fact that I don’t have access to a trust fund is patently absurd and frankly, a little bit offensive. That’s a complaint for me to take up with my parents though. Some people (i.e. me) just get dealt the wrong cards in life.
Folgers coffee (and sometimes Cafe Bustelo) used to be my primary motivation for dragging my ass out of bed. I’d set the old auto-brew to turn on at 6:45 a.m on my coffee pot and the smell of fresh Folgers would slowly coax me out of my warm bed.
But as of late I’ve been trying to ween myself off of the stuff. I haven’t been sleeping too well the past few months, and I think if I can become one of those guys who can just drink tea or a cold glass of water first thing in the morning my sleep will improve. At one point in January I was up to five or six cups of coffee a day and that’s excessive for anyone. Had I kept going at that clip I may have suffered a heart attack. I don’t need to be dealing with that right now.
And shockingly enough getting off of coffee wasn’t all that difficult. After a week or so I stopped really missing it. The problem with the fact that in my past life as a veracious coffee drinker I was very much like a dog.
I had gotten used to the smell of it in the morning after years and years of drinking the stuff, and I’ve had to re-condition my mind and body to push through the craving to make a pot. The smell is oftentimes better than the taste (unless of course you’re in northern Italy sipping fresh espresso from a bar like I was this past summer.)
I needed to find something else that would motivate me to get out of bed in the morning other than the allure of a bi-weekly paycheck. Never in my wildest dreams did I think yogurt would be the thing that would get me to jump out of bed in the morning but here we are. And I’m not just talking about regular ass yogurt. I’m talking, of course, about Chobani Flips.
If you’ve ever had yogurt, you know that it can be a less than pleasurable experience. I mean yogurt is a perfectly fine treat. But strawberry, greek, honey, vanilla - whatever flavor you desire - I think we can all agree that a bowl of yogurt (even with some fresh strawberries or granola) doesn’t really register on anyones list of incredibly delicious breakfast options. Before I discovered Chobani Flips, yogurt was just “meh” to me, ya know? I ate it because it was quick and simple. I don’t wake up with enough time to fix a couple of over easy eggs with whole wheat toast. That’s a weekend thing.
Now that I have Flips in my life, I look forward to getting out of bed every day, weekday or otherwise. Chobani makes this one flavor called “Chocolate Haze Creme” that I shit you not could be served as a legitimate dessert.
The first time I bought that one my pants tightened up in the crotchal region and I didn’t stand up for a good fifteen minutes after I had finished. I don’t buy that one unless I’m hosting dinner parties anymore. It’s simply too much fun to be eaten before work.
Peanut Butter Dream, Salted Caramel Crunch, and Key Lime Crumble flavors are also money, and you won’t be going wrong with any of them should you choose to start riding the Flip wave. Plus, the fun ingredients that come with the yogurt are in a separate container that you literally flip into the larger bowl holding yogurt. A fun activity in the morning if there ever was one!
I’m not saying that Chobani Flips have made my work life completely tolerable, but I am saying that when I wake up on a weekday now, I don’t mind getting out of bed and starting the day as much as I used to.